I am going to write a full article, maybe even a book: a collection of articles, because what is in memes, and in articles is off the mark…
But it this article I’ll talk about just one or two aspects of this… Even so, this article is very long… maybe too long.
First I’d like to poke into a mindset where your worldview says:
I can only help people who are less than me, who are less smart than me, know less than me.
I have been getting a ton of healers, coaches, teachers come and ask for, mostly for their eating style and their health measurements, occasionally for their starting point measurements.
Occasionally I get scared… and when I do, I refund their purchase. I did one of those today. I am afraid of being duped… why I am afraid? My 3-year old incident, having been stupid and gullible cost me a lot of grief.
I wrote an email and told her: I am refunding your purchase… The response to my refunding their purchase always seems to justify my action: the person I refuse almost always turns out to be a nasty person who thinks they are entitled because… whatever the heck they believe. But my job is to protect myself, my sanity, my space, my business… and therefore I need to ‘curate’ who I want to do business with.
Much like I learned from a Frank Kern talk… Unless I would be willing to spend an hour with you while we are having lunch, together, I won’t like to work with you. An hour… A lifetime with someone I can’t stand.
At first blush I don’t want to spend time with anyone: I am an introvert, best at being on my own. But that is not completely true: I actually am curious if there is anything to be curious about. Most people are so boring, it is not even funny. But not all… and those are the people I would be willing to have lunch with.
What is the biggest reason I wouldn’t? The biggest is if you want to use me, deceive me. Everyone can be a sucker for flattery, and when you flatter me, my antennae is way up and is listening. Is there an agenda there where I’ll hold the potty?
Yesterday I caught one of those flatterings on my Office Hours. I let it go, but when the dude noticed that I didn’t take the flattery, he asked about it. I had an opportunity to distinguish between a compliment without an agenda, a validation that is not about you, and a compliment that wants you to react, to say teary eyed: thank you so much! add weepy voice, lol…
In the Validation Challenge, it seems, people have to go through all the moves they know, before they would do anything that actually wouldn’t be all about them. Them being the Validator…
It reminds me of an exercise I was in, the last to complete it back in 1991. It was in a hunting lodge in Georgia. The assignment was to instruct a fire log (wood for foreigners sake) to stand up.
You look at the firewood and tell it to stand up. Yeah… I thought so. lol
So I know reality, and I know firewood won’t stand up… so I am hesitant and feel foolish to even try. But it was a class that cost me close to 10 grand, so I did it.
And I was begging it, I was cajoling it, I was sweet talking it, I was whispering to it, I was threatening it… but, of course, it wouldn’t move.
The whole class finished, about a hundred people, and everyone, including the two teachers stood around me, and the tension was unbearable. The pressure. Everyone wanted to go to eat… and I was holding them back.
All eyes were on me, some hating me, some pitying me, I said: Firewood stand up… And they all clapped and it was done.
I didn’t think I duped them. They wanted me to pass and I never understood how to say what you say when you want the Universe to comply.
I attempted to teach people on yesterday’s office hours a little bit about validation… how to be authentic, how to have it not about you, not placing yourself above the other, but speak from humility and admiration or wonder.
I don’t think it can be taught… Meaning: hearing the words won’t do it for you.
Why would you want to learn to speak with that much power from that authentic place? Many reasons, but one stood out yesterday: if you yourself don’t believe in yourself, then you can’t create your own reality at will, and the world will not respond to you in kind.
What do I mean?
Between 1991 and 2003 I diligently practiced what I failed at in 1991, that kind of speaking that makes even the firewood move.
It could be said that the only advantage I have over others: I consider failure the best thing to ever happen to me: Failure shows me where I need work.
So in 2003, I was yet again in a Landmark Education program. Part of that program was to lead introductions to the Landmark Forum, and move people (firewood!) to register into it.
Not very different from the exercise in 1991. The difference was: you registered people not one-on-one, but in a group. A different dynamic, yet the same.
To cause a group to register, you need a team to support you. Without a team you cannot really move a whole room full of people and make them sign on the bottom line, you need a team.
So I was on my way to train a team of support people in Ithaca NY… a community that considers themselves above all others… very conceited. And I am ordinary, and I was, in their eyes, not a suitable representation of them in front of their people…
I was facing a losing battle: not my favorite.
So what did I do? I invented that I am already a winner, that I don’t have to win this battle to be a winner, to MAKE me a winner.
I don’t need the firewood to stand up for me to be a winner… See the connection?
Back in 1991 I had no facility TO consider myself a winner: I was this little scared immigrant girl. I started participating in Landmark’s programs because the slogan, at that time, was: creating a world that works for everyone with no one left out. And I was the ‘left out’ people and I hoped that I was, that I can be included. Hoped.
And that came through in that firewood exercise: no confidence. Not a shred.
But in those 12 years, between 1991 and 2003 I practiced the most important thing a person can practice: my power to create myself.
So in 2003, facing that training session that was predictably humiliating, I invented myself ‘outcome independent‘, i.e. a winner regardless of my results. Regardless of the results.
The first thing that happened is: I noticed that my car, a 10 year old Nissan Maxima had a sign graved on its window: four door sports car. In my little immigrant world that already demonstrated: I am a winner. Only winners drive sports cars.
And then the traffic suddenly started to move after being stuck for almost an hour on the highway.
And then the people in Ithaca listened and learned… They were like putty in my hands… They listened as if… as if I knew what I was talking about. Not like before.
Now, another many years later, I look back and that 2003 incident has been a dramatic turning point for me.
I now had the POWER OF MY WORD… I could create MYSELF, at will… and as a coach, I can also create some ripples in my clients, ripples that if they resonate, they allow you, they help them to create themselves.
The secret, for both of us, is to be outcome independent AND to have integrity.
Why is that the secret sauce? Because you create the context with your words… with the power of your words. It becomes a daily practice if you consider it important to have power… instead of being a forceful, cajoling, manipulating little creep, or alternatively a hoping little effect, like I was in 1991.
The Validation Challenge is an excellent training ground… if and when, and only if and when, you consider it a training in the power of your word, to create the context, to create the attitude, to create yourself.
That is the ONLY thing you have power to create. Yourself.
Of course shysters say things you can create the world, you can create money, you can create what you want with your words, but for that you need to be god, and although you are made of god substance, you are not a god.
Your power is limited to creating yourself.
If and when you are Outcome independent.
One newish client was poking into this on the call yesterday. But his words gave away his ‘attitude’. He is a wanty… That is a created word for people who want… want… they really really want… The word is fashioned after needy… the I need, I need, I need people.
He wants to create himself because he wants… Whenever you have ‘I want to’, I need to, I have to, I should in your sentence, inside or outside, you are outcome dependent… and powerless. You can only force, cajole, or manipulate… not create.
Of course the world is all about wanting, needing, etc. So even when you can create yourself, you have to do it over and over again .
I create myself a hundred times a day. I create myself independent of everything, unflappable, someone who cannot be frazzled.
So you, politics, the weather, the cold floor, the lack of sleep, my weight which doesn’t want to cooperate, my misbehaving computers, my own mistakes, my restrictive diet… and I could write a whole page, listing all the circumstances that leave me untouched.
It is Election Day in the United States. Today I have to work on it a little bit.
I forgot that probably there is no garbage collection today… so I will go down and bring my garbage back… and I won’t be upset with myself. So what? I made a mistake. No biggie. I can deal with it.
Now, I originally meant to write about a coach who is not like that… who is outcome dependent in many areas…
He lies through his teeth… A typical salesman. Finish What You Start. He measures himself by the results he gets… and if you don’t have your video on on a group coaching call and he can’t see that you are engrossed in his talk, he kicks you out.
But that is a topic for another day.
Marinate in what I have written so far, and observe yourself to what degree you have power over your attitude, over your wanting…
Your best bet, if you want to ‘immerse’ yourself in my world is to attend my calls. Two free calls: the Office Hours, and a new series I am starting, the ‘Get Guidance from your Future Self’ on Wednesdays.
How is that going to help you?
You give the Future Self to work with: your starting point: where you are at, what you have to offer, what skills and material you have that could be the starting point of a journey of a thousand steps, something worth working towards.
A slim attractive body, a successful business that you enjoy, intimacy with your family, leading successful courses, or being a successful coach, forging a community from a diaspora of ethnic minorities, etc.
And then, you create this Future Self, with your words, and ask him or her: what can I do with what I have that would take me closer to that big dream?
You can do it on your own, of course. And you can do it with my guidance in the Future Self workshops.
What is the benefit of doing it with me?
- I can bring your attention to your wanty nature… so you can see it.
- I can help you to be honest about where you are at.
- I can phrase your dream in a way that it is really a dream, not a want.
- And I can enroll Source, my guide, to listen in and hear the lies, the pretenses, the delusions… and help me straighten you out, so you don’t start to go South while your dream is towards the North.
- Some people are already successful, and their guidance is towards: how to be more successful, expand, grow more.
- Some people start from zero,
- some from below zero.
For the Future Self it is all the same: the Future Self will only advise you on the next step… because there are no jumps in reality.
The guidance may be about your attitude. The guidance may be about what leaks to plumb. The guidance may be about your dream… Is it too big? Is it puny? Is it desire to receive for the self alone?
The guidance is invaluable.
You’ll learn from what you are told, personally, and you’ll learn what you hear other people on the call are told.
The workshop is conducted in small groups. This Wednesday’s call is already filled… 8 people, the maximum for a call where I can hold everyone’s energy at the same time.
My ability to hold you is the bottleneck… But my ability to connect to each and every one of you is the secret. I won’t let you drop.
You can buy one session or many… The price is going up as soon as I see it necessary… And I am already starting to see, given yesterday’s Office Hours…
learn to get answers from your future self
You can pay me to let you listen to a recorded call… but I can’t guarantee that you’ll benefit from just listening. Unless you do the work yourself, you are an outsider looking in: no skin in the game.
Email me if you want to pay to get access to the recordings… I’ll set up a payment link if it is needed, and if I trust your intention. Don’t forget that I am a true empath… You can’t fake me easily.