I order my grocery through Instacart. This way I never have to leave my house, I never have to see or get near another person. I ‘blame’ the pandemic… lol.
But today, when I stood behind my front door, waiting for the Instacart delivery person, Angel to leave my grocery at the door, I shouted: ‘Thank you Angel’, and then I started to sob.
I suddenly understood why solitary confinement is a punishment in jails… You only see or can talk to anyone when they want to talk to you, bring you food, and otherwise you have no choice but be alone.
I like to be alone… and yet, the act of speaking through a door did me in.
Then it was time for my 11 am class where I am just a participant, but have been able to be heard and respected. I am addicted. Some of us have been using this class as our private mastermind, chatting about business for hours on that zoom call.
The owner of the coaching program put an end to that, so I decided to start my own zoom call for those of us who wanted to continue chatting.
Today, to my dismay, the class leader had someplace to go… I felt cheated, I felt not wanted, I felt resentful.
But as soon as I distinguished my emotion as neediness, my mood lifted:
if it is mine, then I can change it. If it is mine, then there is no one to blame.
Many of my students are needy. In fact that neediness is what the ITCH program is about. Needy of being treated as special, being treated as a genius, being treated kindly, fairly, whatever.
Everyone has at least one need that makes them needy. Obviously mine is being wanted… Of course. As a child I wasn’t… what else is new?
But people’s behavior differs in how they relate to their ‘need’.
Some are passive about it, others are active.
I will differentiate the active ones as want-y… they demand, extort, fight for, argue for what they want, and if needed just take it.
The problem is: it is not theirs to take.
Either because it belongs to someone, the right to give or not, or because it needs to be earned, or both.
- You want attention? You dominate the air waves by constant chattering? You are a want-y.
- You need to be liked? Your sultry voice designed to seduce, to mesmerize the other? You are a want-y
- You need to feel taken care of? But do nothing much… You are needy of someone wiping your… ahem… nose.
- You need attention? You’ll cheat, lie, pretend, name-drop? You are a want-y
- You want to be treated as special? You aren’t? You argue, you attack… you are a want-y.
- You want to be paid attention? You insert yourself in every conversation? You boast, pompously use words you don’t understand to show your superiority? You are a want-y. 1
Neither the want-y nor the needy will do what it takes to actually naturally get what they want or need.
So what is there to do?
It is simple to say, maybe hard to do. Easy for me, but my vibration is up there… high. I have learned that no love makes me happy, I don’t really need it to be well.
So what did I do? I dropped it like an unnecessary thing I have no use for… because I don’t.
Just dropping this one thing can increase your level of happiness, your level of satisfaction in life.
So what are the different flavors of this neediness/wantiness?
- Wanting to be right
- Wanting to win in every conversation, every argument
- Wanting to look good
- Wanting to dominate
- Wanting to justify — this is a big one. Explaining, story, why… blah blah blah
- Wanting to avoid responsibility for your own failures, driving your own life, doing what only you can do, like learning, producing, getting up in the morning, eating right, energizing your water, having integrity.
If you stumble on another kind of ‘wantiness’, maybe your own, let me know in the comments.
Now, the big bomb… this behavior is driven by your RACKET. An invisible but predictable machine, part of the invisible dynamic of the human condition.
I teach this in the Freedom Courses. The art is to learn it so deeply, that you can start recognizing it in whatever pretty disguise it shows up next.
Here is an example of a pretty disguise: I ask you to share a breakthrough. You do, but you do it in a way, that the listener can’t help but ask you to explain… and now you can be the smart one… Smart one is your racket…
What were you want-y for? Want-y = I wanna, I wanna, I wanna, I really wanna… I got to have it..
Being seen as the smart one. So for you every opportunity will be, instead of getting things done, no, an opportunity to extort being seen as the smart one.
Nothing gets done… And that is the price you pay.
Wantiness results in a life that doesn’t amount to much… and often in a life that doesn’t amount to anything. You have been too busy extorting what you wanted to actually do life well, and do what needs to be done.
If that is you, your number one savior is identifying your racket and start eliminating it.
The better you do at it, the more life will start to give you, because you’ll begin to give to life.
Go to step 2
All sessions are on Sunday afternoons. 2 pm my time. I am in New York. So that is 11 am in California, 7 pm in England, 8 pm in the Europe. And very very very early am in Australia and New Zealand.
I only have room for two more people in tomorrow’s session… so if you hurry, you can be one of them. If you dawdle you lose.
Consider this urgent. The faster you start the faster you’ll get to the good life.
- not entirely surprisingly there is a strong correlation between your wantiness and your narcissistic score in your Starting Point Measurements. The only needy one in this group: his narcisistic score is 10%… the rest is between 70% and 91%. The more insistent they are in extorting what they want, the higher the number… and the lower their ‘achievement’ score, or ability to produce.. My narcissistic score is 7%… because I rarely am needy, and because I could drop it just by identifying the neediness.