And I cried. No. I sobbed.
Then left the screen where Leo’s character smiles, Emma laughs on my screen, so I can return to what made me cry.
So it’s next morning and I’ve noticed that I’d spent the past 13 hours somehow returned to innocence.
You can get hardened, you can get jaded, you can get crusty… and in a way I have. But last night
- I felt the murdered girl’s embarrassment in the book I’ll read when it comes out.
- I felt the character’s embarrassment in another book I am reading now.
So I came back to my computer and sat in front of Leo smiling and Emma laughing.
I laugh when I am embarrassed. Have always laughed. Used to laugh when music stirred deep uncomfortable emotions in me, like Wagner.
So why isn’t Leo laughing?
Leo is a man, and he is not embarrassed. He is ‘engineered’ to screw. It’s man’s natural state. Their only job, really. All Selfish Gene… nothing out of the ordinary.
Emma laughs. Embarrassed. Vulnerable. She wants something that is normally hidden: she wants something the men have.
A female’s job is to care about only one thing: to choose a suitable sperm donor so her offspring can win the genetic lottery.
Human females don’t understand Life, what Life wants… and we now live in an ever sinking, ever sinking quality gene pool… not on the side of Life.
Did nature, did evolution want to give casual pleasure to women too? Casual kills humanness somehow… I feel. Makes pleasure more important than other things…
And when it isn’t forthcoming, and often, more often than you would guess, it isn’t forthcoming… it shows up as a missing, it shows up as a reason to feel like a loser in the game of life: others had it, and I didn’t.
I didn’t. Or if I did… I didn’t feel it, didn’t experience it. And it is as good as never having had it.
Many people, really most people, don’t experience the full experience of life… they don’t feel. Or more accurately, they only feel certain feelings, and suppress others.
But when you suppress anything, you are really, by necessity, suppress everything…
I think I suppressed every feeling for most of my life. But I felt other people’s feelings because those I could not suppress.
I was hospitalized three times for feelings that weren’t mine. Three times.
I didn’t find out I was an empath until the age of 53, when I clearly had feelings that someone else felt… and I had no business feeling. I was in the room as two dudes gave each other samples of some energies… For me, energies was ‘energy shmenergy?!’
I still have a hard time separating the ashes from the lentils (Cinderella), my feelings from others’…
I haven’t seen the Leo Grande movie… it’s on Hulu and I am not on Hulu.
…and was totally and utterly in love with the innocence of Marianne Faithfull… and in total ‘hate’ with the Hungarian girl who got fired. Confused about the tentative small light in the club owner…
I am pondering the difference between men and women. I am pondering to what degree women are responsible, to what degree women cause abuse, when they do.
Life is better, richer, or at least less empty if and when you can feel your feelings.
Even if they are like storms… occasionally. Feelings not resisted are guidance, or information… They don’t hang out… they blow over.
If you have anything that hangs around longer than a minute: you have resisted it and paralyzed it… it is now your creation and has NO value for you.
I really mean it. Fear, trepidation, suspicion, embarrassment, anger, hate, fury, warm fuzzy… they are all supposed to be moving as soon as they fulfilled their purpose.
Other feelings like hunger, horniness, thirst, go away once they are satisfied.
If they last… they are stuck feelings… sign of maybe emptiness.
Anyway… you need to gently remove the suppression, gently! from one feeling… pick it. And start experiencing the suddenly changing inner landscape.
Start feeling your feelings