I’m still here in the thick of these holidays, holiday that I don’t even like. Still visiting friends. Having house guests. Feeling myself become more and more discombobulated.
I started to feel myself beginning to panic the way I used to. Thinking ‘I’m falling behind!‘. ‘I want to get back to my 67 steps!‘. ‘Sophie will wonder where I disappeared to!‘. ‘my vibration is sinking!‘. ‘I am out of my routine, the sky is falling!‘
I had to stop myself and consider, ‘what would Sophie do?‘
I remember we actually talked about this around Thanksgiving, and said that if you were in that situation anyway, it wouldn’t be very smart to be in it and not enjoy it. So you would at least enjoy it…
Of course, that makes sense!
Suddenly I see that there’s no reason to be dramatic about it, it just makes me more self-absorbed.
I’m just in it, I didn’t choose not to be.
So I decided, f**k it, I’m in it, just give it to me! all of it.
I looked at what things I could control, and take responsibility for…
Of course there was the obvious of not eating and drinking what I normally would. But I also wanted to look, as much as I could, coming from nothing as much as I could.
What I see now is one thing you mentioned several times, how I was protecting myself. You mentioned a number of times in calls where I was protecting myself. I needed to just forget about trying to look smart and throw it all out there and be willing to look ridiculous…
I never could see that I was doing that (trying to look smart), but I really see it now. And I don’t want it.
So here I am, in the thick of the holidays, somewhat of a mess, and thoroughly looking ridiculous. And I’m noticing it because suddenly I’m not in a panic beating myself up about it.
I’m just looking… looking at various parts of my ‘celebrating’…
One thing I’m seeing is that my husband seems to be seeing me more like a mom than a wife. This, I know, is a realization that should be tragic. But as I look at it from the sidelines it’s actually pretty funny. He’s almost old enough to be my dad… somehow I’ve been able to laugh at it.
I’m seeing how much I used to eagerly dive into conversations and contribute even if I had nothing to contribute. Just to prove I’m smart… even interrupting people to do it.
Context is decisive
I am able to see that now because you gave me the tools to set my attitude going in, to be quiet, attentive and interested.
I’m seeing how many things I’ve always done around this time of year that I did hastily, and messed up in some way just by being hasty.
I’m trying to enjoy and notice the qualities in the people I’m interacting with. Using the opportunities that come up to be quiet, attentive, and interested. I’m finding it’s actually more enjoyable to be open to learning things this way.
And I see now that before I wasn’t interested in learning. I guess because I was more interested in how I come across to people.
I’m listening again to the last Bonnie call. Noticing how really coherent she sounds, noticing how enjoyable the call seemed to be for both of you, which is really beautiful to see.
I think previously I would have felt left behind, maybe even jealous about that. But it really seems to give me joy to hear it, to hear the change that can happen.
I’m trying to listen, really listen from nothing, without thinking in the background about whether I believe it, whether it’s true, without judgment… There was another great article you wrote recently about that.
Start where you are
That really hit home for me… about how we’re always thinking about what to say next or thinking about whether we agree, the whole time someone is talking. I never saw that before, that is how I listen… When I watch for it I feel the rise and tightening of that ‘eager’ energy… months ago you told me to pay attention to that feeling, and I found that I was feeling it when I listen. Which brought me to your class about paying attention to what my face is doing when I feel it…
I’m using this time to pay attention to that feeling, and it enables me to take a deep breath and feel through it, and let it go… then I feel my face relax, and I can listen… I can allow what the person is saying to ‘wash over’ me like the water in the shower. And it feels like I start to see them as less of an object, more of a person, which tied in to the calls we had about that a few months ago.
Since I’m ‘in it‘, I’m learning all I can learn from it…
doing whatever I committed to do to the best that I can do it, doing all I can do and considering it’s enough…
I know I’m a ridiculous mess right now, and it’s OK… once again I’ll start from where I am.
I am where I am right now, I can see now why I’m a beach ball in the waves, but I’m OK… for the first time I think I’m okay being ridiculous and hasty and eager. For the first time I don’t care about protecting myself… For the first time I can look at some of my situations and laugh at them, rather than sinking into despair and blaming someone else or beating myself up…
I just am where I am, I see that, but this time I can also see how I got here, and my responsibility in that.
But what is really the biggest and most amazing thing I’m seeing is how in all of this ‘mayhem’ and in all of this looking, it’s almost like a culmination of classes and calls since I started 7 or 8 months ago…
Like they came full circle and connected and each principle led to another and another. Which reminded me of something else we had covered but I couldn’t really see where to apply it, and it naturally applied… naturally followed, like feeling the feeling and then noticing what my face was doing with it. And things you pointed out over and over that I couldn’t see. I’m literally saying ‘oh, there that is… I get it!‘ Amazing.
I’m definitely not saying I’ve reached any great heights… more like great lows I guess. But as much as I can’t wait for this weekend to be over and my house guests to leave and these holidays to be past, I have had such an interesting look at it, and I’m so appreciative of every one of those tough classes and calls…
It’s taken me this long to put them together in this way. 🙂
But all of this is just insights, I know… as you say, what I do with them, we shall see… but I have to thank you again for weathering through them with me. They sure gave me a lot to look at and consider this year, making the holidays very different this year. Not as much ‘fun-fun’, 🙂 but definitely better.