Summary: this is a heavy duty psychological excavation of what is secretly running your life… but it is worth reading. but if you like to just nod and do nothing with what you read, don’t read it… it is wasted on you.
I had an interesting and unexpected experience today.
A few years ago I bought a woman’s book to help her becoming an Amazon best seller author. I didn’t read the book. Never opened it past the introduction.
Now that I am trying to sell my thousands of books on Amazon, I ran into it…
I started to read her author’s bio on the site, and I had a huge attack of sorts.
Hate, anger, the desire to kill. Tears sprung into my eyes, my muscles tensed, I gritted my teeth, and my body was shaking. Wow. I haven’t had that in a long time.
That used to happen frequently… if I take the time to analyze it: It is the reaction of a powerless victim, an effect, who reacts to the experience of her power just taken away.
What happened? I mean what happened years ago, 8 years ago to be exact.
I knew the woman from being a participant in Peak Potential courses, like myself. I didn’t pay much attention to other participants, as a rule, I was always trying to maintain my sanity as my first priority. Being outward looking held a certain grave threat for me… And although I didn’t know I was an empath, yet, I instinctively knew that the threat was from other people.
The year she published her book, I was, accidentally sitting in the audience next to her brother. Normally they sat together. The brother is a really lovely person, I liked him very much. Nothing much more to say… except that because of this she paid attention to me.
And the attention was what infuriated me.
There are all kinds of ways to look at another person. There are even many ways to look at another person if you think you are better, if you think you are vastly superior to them.
Feeling superior is not alien to me: it is my soul correction. It takes one to know one, and I zoomed in on her superiority.
But her superiority came with sweetness. With the mother’s forgiving, magnanimous attitude of tolerance for your ineptitude, for your smallness, for your FOREVER condemnation to be worthless, and no chance for changing that.
If the above sentence doesn’t make sense, it is because it is like vomit… they are MY feelings… an interpretation of what her feelings meant about me.
One of my students wrote to me one day that I said, in one of my webinars, that she was hopeless and she would never learn…
I didn’t say that, that’s what she heard. But I must admit that I did occasionally thought that, because of her inability to listen from any other place than the mind.
But I would NEVER give up on you like that… in spite of all evidence, in spite of my pessimistic attitude, I am still holding the door open for you.
She didn’t. She was present of her own “magnificence” and superiority by treating me like an imbecile child. Imbecile as in brain damaged, as in impaired, as in no chance.
I must have a REAL fear underneath all that calmness, all that certainty, that this attitude hit me so hard, so hard that seeing her name brought it back full force!
When you have a strong reaction to someone, there are two things you want to pay attention to:
1. How is the other person just like you
2. How, what the other person seems to convey to you is your worst (although hidden) fear about yourself, about your chances, about your future.
There is a wound that was touched. With real wounds we know to clean it out, to let it catch some air, breathe.
The process is the same with emotional wounds. There is a book I once had but never read. But I liked the title: “Feelings Buried Alive Never Die”… with all buried feelings, you can exhume them and give them a life.
When I look at this feeling, this fear that way, I can see that it is at the core of my machine. It is a version of “never amount to anything” you may have heard from your parents, teachers… it is not true, but it’s been running your life. Stronger than anything you can say out loud.
Only when you look it straight in the eyes and can say: how do you know? What makes you so sure? that you start taking some of your power back.
PS: in the next article I will address the above the waterline aspect of your buried wound: the way(s) you compensate for it… being nice, a good girl, helpful, diligent, smart, getting degrees upon degrees, socially conscious, overachiever, blah blah blah… don’t miss it.