But looking from reality, looking from existence, your behavior is weird.
Your actions are inconsistent with what you really want, your actions seem like preprogrammed... no matter what, behave this way.
Last night I had a coaching session. (If you recognize yourself: we'll talk about it in a coaching session...)
- One person is programmed to please and live a life of servitude... no fun, no joy, nothing what she would want... if she knew what she wanted..
- The second is programmed to live an "I can do it" life... while he is rambling, unprepared, and making a total fool of himself.
- The third has to say yes to every request, and then try to do what she either doesn't really want to do, or what she is unprepared, unsuited to do.
- I have a student who is a realtor but cannot sell because he believes that he must be fair, and that he must be generous, and that he must be socially helping others. Huh? Weird.
- I have a student who is a doctor, and she must have an answer to every question, she must know, and she must warn everyone about the dangers of this or that... no chance to actually hear the question, or look before she leaps... click and whirr... the preprogrammed behavior clicks in. Weird.
Consider that your weirdness comes from a mechanism that YOU started, long time ago, and it is now running you, running your life, and makes you weird, inappropriate, and unhappy. Or unsuccessful. Or both. There is a certain no-choice, a "have-to" quality in your behavior. I can hear when the machine kicks in... the timber of your voice changes.
The mechanism was your invention: to compensate for a perceived fault of yours.
According to Landmark, every person has three major traumas in life when they invent a compensatory way of being:
- when they discover that maybe they are not OK. For most this is before age 6
- when they first notice that they don't fit in... For most this is in preteen age, early adolescence
- when they discover that they are on their own... For most this is in their twenties, but an awful lot never experienced it... yet.
In each of those situations the Mind makes up a story of what's wrong with you, and invents a compensation.
They are often not precise ways of being... And often you have way more than just three... Some of my compensations is "being different/being an outsider", "being quick" (this one is more a curse than a blessing... most of my mistakes come from this compensation), "being someone who can live on a shoestring budget"
If they were choices in the moment, they would be really useful and appropriate, but as a machine-like being, these are very damaging. The alternative is impossible, not allowed, tabu. Variatons: not allowed, tabu.
And, or course, weird.
You may sometimes sit down in amazement asking yourself why you did what you did, it was so counter-productive.
So, what can you do with a life, that is almost wholly machine driven?
When life doesn't go well, you become a resistance machine, when life goes well, you are one of these compensation machines...
Do you have any say about your life?
In my articles on "turning points" I recount a few of the moments when I managed to act outside of the machine. There haven't been many.
Being conscious of the machine moves is a way to be OK inside the machine and see openings from time to time.
You cannot be conscious from the mind... so unless you learn to live outside of the mind you are doomed to be in a machine and live a weird life.
In the rare moments of brilliance, when you are in your consciousness, miracles can happen. If you know the machine. And know it well.