Depression Is A Sign That You Are Unwilling To Hit Bottom. When You Hit Bottom, There Is The Beginning Of Coming Up
I took a short break this afternoon. I lied down. This depression thing has been on my mind since I wrote that article: I felt something wasn't complete about it.
Back in 1979 I spent some time in a psychiatric place, back in Hungary. It was almost like a sanatorium, on a beautiful mountain, for rich people and their brood.
My room mate was the jilted wife of a famous actor... everyone was famous for something. Of course, I was a famous person's daughter.
I made friends with a fellow patient, my age. She had a difficult time sleeping at all. She was depressed.
Occasionally I saw his family visit her: a lovely boy, her husband, even her in-laws. By the way, she was an amazing literary translator of novels, talented as the sun.
So as I was lying on my bed I tried to feel her body to "diagnose" what was underneath the depression.
Maybe she felt guilty that she didn't love her husband. Maybe she had the child with another man and never told him about it. Maybe this maybe that.
Guilt is a funny feeling. It says that you are guilty, but it says it in a funky way. Why I say that? Because the way to handle guilt is to take responsibility for what you did. Or your part in it.
You end up with no guilty feeling and your power is fully turned on.
My story was that I didn't think I deserved to live. My mother didn't love me, didn't want me, and it wasn't personal. And, she personally didn't want me.
Living on borrowed time, living without permission can wreak havoc on your life, unless... you guessed right, you take responsibility for it.
It took me till 1988 to do that: I had a one-way conversation with my parents (they weren't party to it, lol) and I told them: "I understand that you don't want me. I am here... put up with it. It is now not up to you."
I took responsibility for being here, for not having been wanted, and my life changed, dramatically, for the better.
Another story, current. Let's hope it will turn out...
A friend of mine grew up with an alcoholic mother. Growing up with an alcoholic is confusing to say the least. Especially if the alcoholic has a Dr. Jekill and Mr. Hyde personality, like this woman's mother.
The mother was, at times, sweet, intelligent, but most of the time it felt to her like she was only there to beat her, frighten her.
The mother, quite the psychopath, said (or so it goes the story!?) that if you stand out they will chop your head off...
My friend solved the issue. She decided to hide. Hide herself, hide her light, become, somewhat, like a spider hiding behind her web, waiting for an unsuspecting insect to get entangled in her web... and you have dinner.
Her poison of choice is seeing only the bad, the evil, the nasty, the greedy... in people. It makes her feel superior.
But this superiority comes at a high price: it's lifeless, and it has no accomplishment, no fulfillment, no purpose... so she is like a walking dead.
So, what could she take responsibility for, you should ask if you are catching on... right? Great question.
If she could admit that she bought into her mother's b.s... (or made up her own!) if she could admit that she fell into her own spiderweb trap, then she could set herself free. She could start getting an education, she could start taking risks, she could stop finding fault with everyone, and could see herself exactly the way she is.
Does it take courage? You bet your sweet ass it does. It takes tremendous courage to admit that you amount to nothing, that you are an underachiever, so you can hit bottom and have a chance of coming up.
Until then it is flailing till your last breath, depression, always ineffectiveness, twilight zone, and deadness.
She is not the only friend I have in this predicament, by the way. There used to be a time when I attracted flailers by the dozens.
What is in common among them is that they will listen to the coaching and then they continue life as if nothing happened.
Getting out of depression takes courage, takes commitment, and takes taking responsibility: are you big enough to do it?
OK, this third type of depressed person cannot be helped... unless they are ready. But if you have someone with this type of depression in your family, instead of trying to rescue them, you may be interested in getting busy with your own life...
It will beat depression, it will beat purposeless, it will beat any, and I mean any funky stuff that is holding you hostage now.