I am reading all the books by Michael Connelly.
I had read about 20 before getting to the last few I have on my kindle... these books stirred up something in me...
Suddenly, in these last few books, there is an unexpected twist: the last three novels have a similar element, not quite there, or maybe even missing from the previous ones: a friend or colleague is turning against friend or colleague...
I have been having visceral reaction, I am sick to my stomach, I have nausea, I have a headache, I just want to sleep. Just the idea is unbearable... that, in spite of the fact that I have long known that such a phenomenon exists: friends betraying friends, parents betraying their children. And yet, the evil that it signifies is intolerable, it takes all I got to stay present and not go to my favorite hiding place: depression or temporary insanity.
If you don't know: you can't be blamed for living in the world as if all were right with the world.
This, being able to stay sane and stay present in the face of the evil is my surest proof to myself that I have come a long way.
Staring in the face of evil, not blinking. Wow... the fact that my stomach is churning, that my muscles twinge because they just want to run didn't stop me from looking and holding the eyes of evil.
I am so present that I even allow myself to ask the question: what is it that makes people run the other way?
And another question: what is it that allows me to see evil if I don't have it in me?
We, humans, are obsessed with evil. Fascinated by dark. Fascinated by misery.
I think it is a part of our programming to survive. Survive as a person, and survive as a species.
I think that we are, by nature, predators. And we are unwilling to own up to it, as a species.
I also think that we have a lack of understanding about something really important: we cannot tell a fantasy from reality.
Getting mad at someone is really really really normal. Punching someone in the nose is not that normal...
Fantasizing about raping someone is normal. Acting it out is not normal.
Thinking that you can't do something is normal. Not doing it BECAUSE you had that thought is not normal.
Yet, if you look, you will find that you think that thinking and doing are the same thing: and religion helps you with that confusion.
Watching horror movies
When you watch horror movies, etc. you are doing it to diffuse the tension that is the result of that confusion. You are attempting to diffuse the guilt and the shame you feel for thinking that, fantasizing that...
If you could be OK for having thought that, for having fantasized that, maybe even having planned that, if you just allowed thoughts to be thoughts, plans to be plans, fantasies to be fantasies, they you would not be attracted to bad stuff: you would be able to use the energy of hiding, suppressing, covering up the natural anger, the natural vindictiveness, and allow yourself to feel it, think it, and not do anything BECAUSE you thought that or felt that.
But when you, by virtue of self-righteous guilt, you refuse to look at yourself, and be able to see that you didn't do anything, or you be able to see what things you did, you remain locked in this prison, unable to do anything.
Feeling guilty is a sign of your unwillingness to be responsible
You may feel remorse, but that is very different from feeling guilty.
When you can say: I am guilty of that... then you break through that invisible barrier that kept you a slave, preventing you from growing and fully living.
You cannot have "good" unless you are willing to look at evil and see it for what it is. Positivity was "invented" to prevent you from every looking at yourself for what you are, who you are, what you do, and what you think.
Snap out of it and start telling yourself the truth. And please, keep in mind: in reality only actions matter, thoughts, fantasies, plans don't...
You cannot give yourself blanket absolution
You need to address all "transgressions" one by one. It may take you years... but believe me, it is worth it.
It's like taking a long hot shower: cleansing, refreshing, energizing, purifying.
You'll love it.
My horoscope for this week should guide you in this:
Give special attention to what will last the longest. That's my main recommendation for you in the coming weeks. Devote less of your energy to transitory pleasures and short-term hopes. Turn away from the small obsessions that demand far too much of your energy. Withdraw from the seemingly pressing concerns that will soon start to fade because they really aren't that important. Instead, devote your love and intelligence to the joys and dilemmas that will animate your life well into the future. Express reverence and care for the mysteries that will teach you and teach you and teach you for years to come.
But instead of the rosy pleasures, and such, really really forgive you for the stuff you've done, and the stuff you fantasized about.
There used to be a website where you could, anonymously, confess your sins. I don't remember the website, but here is the search query on google: https://www.google.com/search?q=anonymously+confess+your+sins&ie=utf-8&oe=utf-8&aq=t&rls=org.mozilla:en-US:official&client=firefox-a&channel=sb
Find a site and do the work. The forgiveness needs to come from you. Yourself.