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101.
The wedding had begun, the bride was walking down the aisle. A lady whispered to Mulla Nasrudin who was next to her, "Can you imagine, they have known each other only three weeks, and they are getting married!"
"WELL," said Mulla Nasrudin, "IT'S ONE WAY OF GETTING ACQUAINTED."
102.
Mulla Nasrudin and his two friends were discussing what they would do if they awoke one morning to discover that they were millionaires.
The Spaniard friend said he would build a bull ring.
The American friend said he would go to Paris to have a good time.
And, Mulla Nasrudin said HE WOULD GO TO SLEEP AGAIN TO SEE IF HE COULD MAKE ANOTHER MILLION."
103.
A middle-aged woman lost her balance and fell out of a window into a garbage can. Mulla Nasrudin, passing remarked: "Americans are very wasteful. THAT WOMAN WAS GOOD FOR TEN YEARS YET."
104.
Mulla Nasrudin was told he would lose his phone if he did not retract what he had said to the General Manager of the phone company in the course of a conversation over the wire.
"Very well, Mulla Nasrudin will apologize," he said.
He called Main 7777.
"Is that you, Mr. Doolittle?"
"It is."
"This is Mulla Nasrudin.
"Well?"
"This morning in the heat of discussion I told you to go to hell!"
"Yes?"
"WELL," said Nasrudin, "DON'T GO!"
101.
The wedding had begun, the bride was walking down the aisle. A lady whispered to Mulla Nasrudin who was next to her, "Can you imagine, they have known each other only three weeks, and they are getting married!"
"WELL," said Mulla Nasrudin, "IT'S ONE WAY OF GETTING ACQUAINTED."
102.
Mulla Nasrudin and his two friends were discussing what they would do if they awoke one morning to discover that they were millionaires.
The Spaniard friend said he would build a bull ring.
The American friend said he would go to Paris to have a good time.
And, Mulla Nasrudin said HE WOULD GO TO SLEEP AGAIN TO SEE IF HE COULD MAKE ANOTHER MILLION."
103.
A middle-aged woman lost her balance and fell out of a window into a garbage can. Mulla Nasrudin, passing remarked: "Americans are very wasteful. THAT WOMAN WAS GOOD FOR TEN YEARS YET."
104.
Mulla Nasrudin was told he would lose his phone if he did not retract what he had said to the General Manager of the phone company in the course of a conversation over the wire.
"Very well, Mulla Nasrudin will apologize," he said.
He called Main 7777.
"Is that you, Mr. Doolittle?"
"It is."
"This is Mulla Nasrudin.
"Well?"
"This morning in the heat of discussion I told you to go to hell!"
"Yes?"
"WELL," said Nasrudin, "DON'T GO!"
105.
A political leader was visiting the mental hospital. Mulla Nasrudin sitting in the yard said, "You are a politician, are you not?"
"Yes," said the leader. "I live just down the road."
"I used to be a politician myself once," said the Mulla, "but now I am crazy. Have you ever been crazy?"
"No," said the politician as he started to go away.
"WELL, YOU OUGHT TO TRY IT," said Nasrudin "IT BEATS POLITICS ANY DAY."
106.
The editor of the town weekly received this letter from Mulla Nasrudin:
"Dear Sir: Last week I lost my watch which I valued highly. The next day I ran an ad in your paper.
Yesterday, I went home and found the watch in the pocket of my brown suit. YOUR PAPER IS WONDERFUL!"
107.
Mulla Nasrudin had been out speaking all day and returned home late at night, tired and weary.
"How did your speeches go today?" his wife asked.
"All right, I guess," the Mulla said. "But I am afraid some of the people in the audience didn't understand some of the things I was saying."
"What makes you think that?" his wife asked.
"BECAUSE," whispered Mulla Nasrudin, "I DON'T UNDERSTAND THEM MYSELF."
108.
Mulla Nasrudin, a distraught father, visiting his son in a prison, turned on him and said:
"I am fed up with you. Look at your record: attempted robbery, attempted robbery, attempted burglary, attempted murder. WHAT A FAILURE YOU HAVE TURNED OUT TO BE; YOU CAN'T SUCCEED IN ANYTHING YOU TRY."
109.
Mulla Nasrudin and some of his friends pooled their money and bought a tavern. They immediately closed it and began to paint and fix it up inside and out. A few days after all the repairs had been completed and there was no sign of its opening, a thirsty crowd gathered outside. One of the crowd yelled out, "Say, Nasrudin, when you gonna open up?"
"OPEN UP? WE ARE NOT GOING TO OPEN UP," said the Mulla. "WE BOUGHT THIS PLACE FOR OURSELVES!"
110.
A man who has been married for ten years complained one day to his friend Mulla Nasrudin. "When we were first married," he said, "I was very happy. I would come home from a hard day at the office. My little dog would race around barking, and my wife would bring me my slippers. Now after ten years, everything has changed. When I come home, my dog brings me my slippers, and my wife barks at me!"
"I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU ARE COMPLAINING ABOUT," said Nasrudin. "YOU ARE STILL GETTING THE SAME SERVICE, ARE YOU NOT?"
111.
Mulla Nasrudin's wife limped past the teahouse.
"There goes a woman who is willing to suffer for her beliefs," said the Mulla to his friends there.
"Why, what belief is that?" asked someone.
"OH, SHE BELIEVES SHE CAN WEAR A size FOUR SHOE ON A size SIX FOOT," said Nasrudin.
112.
The lawyer was working on their divorce case.
After a preliminary conference with Mulla Nasrudin, the lawyer reported back to the Mulla's wife.
"I have succeeded," he told her, "in reaching a settlement with your husband that's fair to both of you."
"FAIR TO BOTH?" cried the wife. "I COULD HAVE DONE THAT MYSELF. WHY DO YOU THINK I HIRED A LAWYER?"
113.
Mulla Nasrudin was suffering from what appeared to be a case of shattered nerves. After a long spell of failing health, he finally called a doctor.
"You are in serious trouble," the doctor said. "You are living with some terrible evil thing; something that is possessing you from morning to night. We must find what it is and destroy it."
"SSSH, DOCTOR," said Nasrudin, "YOU ARE ABSOLUTELY RIGHT, BUT DON'T SAY IT SO LOUD - SHE IS SITTING IN THE NEXT ROOM AND SHE MIGHT HEAR YOU."
114.
Mulla Nasrudin and one of his friends had been drinking all evening in a bar. The friend finally passed out and fell to the floor. The Mulla called a doctor who rushed him to a hospital. When he came to, the doctor asked him, "Do you see any pink elephants or little green men?"
"Nope," groaned the patient.
"No snakes or alligators?" the doctor asked.
"Nope," the drunk said.
"Then just sleep it off and you will be all right in the morning," said the doctor.
But Mulla Nasrudin was worried. "LOOK, DOCTOR." he said, "THAT BOY'S IN BAD SHAPE. HE SAID HE COULDN'T SEE ANY OF THEM ANIMALS, AND YOU AND I KNOW THE ROOM IS FULL OF THEM."
115.
Mulla Nasrudin and one of his friends were attending a garden party for charity which featured games of chance.
"I just took a one-dollar chance for charity," said the friend, "and a beautiful blonde gave me a kiss. I hate to say it, but she kissed better than my wife!"
The Mulla said he was going to try it. Afterwards the friend asked: "How was it, Mulla?"
"SWELL," said Nasrudin, "BUT NOT BETTER THAN YOUR WIFE."
116.
Mulla Nasrudin's teenage son had dented a fender on the family car.
"What did your father say when you told him?" the boy's mother asked.
"Should I leave out the cuss words?" he said.
"Yes, of course," said his mother.
"IN THAT CASE," said the boy, "HE DIDN'T SAY A WORD."
117.
The woman lecturer was going strong. "For centuries women have been misjudged and mistreated," she shouted. "They have suffered in a thousand ways. Is there any way that women have not suffered?"
As she paused to let that question sink in, it was answered by Mulla Nasrudin, who was presiding the meeting. "YES, THERE IS ONE WAY," he said. "THEY HAVE NEVER SUFFERED IN SILENCE."
118.
The man at the poultry counter had sold everything except one fryer. Mulla Nasrudin, a customer, said he was entertaining at dinner and wanted a nice-sized fryer. The clerk threw the fryer on the scales and said, "This one will be 1.35."
"Well," said the Mulla, "I really wanted a larger one."
The clerk, thinking fast, put the fryer back in the box and stirred it around a bit. Then he brought it out again and put it on the scales. "This one," he said, "will be S1.95."
"WONDERFUL," said Nasrudin. "I WILL TAKE BOTH OF THEM!"
119.
A highway patrolman pulled alongside Mulla Nasrudin's car and waved him to the side of the road.
"Sir your wife fell out of the car three miles back," he said.
"SO THAT'S what happened," said the Mulla. "I THOUGHT I HAD GONE STONE DEAF."
120.
The young doctor seemed pleased after looking over his patient, Mulla Nasrudin.
"You are getting along just fine," he said. "Of course. your shoulder is still badly swollen, but that does not bother me in the least."
"I DON'T GUESS IT DOES," said Nasrudin. "IF YOUR SHOULDER WERE SWOLLEN, IT WOULDN'T BOTHER ME EITHER."
121.
Mulla Nasrudin had been placed in a mental hospital, for treatment. After a few weeks, a friend visited him. "How are you going on?" he asked.
"Oh, just fine," said the Mulla.
"That's good," his friend said. "Guess you will be coming back to your home soon?"
"WHAT!" said Nasrudin. "I SHOULD LEAVE A FINE COMFORTABLE HOUSE LIKE THIS WITH A SWIMMING POOL AND FREE MEALS TO COME TO MY OWN DIRTY HOUSE WITH A MAD WIFE TO LIVE WITH? YOU MUST THINK I AM CRAZY!"
122.
Mulla Nasrudin visiting a mental hospital stood chatting at great length to one man in particular. He asked all sorts of questions about how he was treated, and how long he had been there and what hobbies he was interested in.
As the Mulla left him and walked on with the attendant, he noticed he was grinning broadly. The Mulla asked what was amusing and the attendant told the visitor that he had been talking to the medical superintendent. Embarrassed, Nasrudin rushed back to make apologies. "I AM SORRY DOCTOR," he said. "I WILL NEVER GO BY APPEARANCES AGAIN."
123.
A famous surgeon had developed the technique of removing the brain from a person, examining it, and putting it back. One day, some friends brought him Mulla Nasrudin to be examined The surgeon operated on the Mulla and took his brain out. When the surgeon went to the laboratory to examine the brain, he discovered the patient had mysteriously disappeared. Six years later Mulla Nasrudin returned to the hospital.
"Where have you been for six years?" asked the amazed surgeon.
"OH, AFTER I LEFT HERE," said Mulla Nasrudin, "I GOT ELECTED TO CONGRESS AND I HAVE BEEN IN THE CAPITAL EVER SINCE, SIR."
124.
Mulla Nasrudin was telling a friend how he got started in the bank business.
"I was out of work," he said, "so to keep busy, I rented an empty store, and painted the word 'BANK' on the window. The same day, a man came in and deposited 300. Next day, another fellow came in and put in 250.
WELL, SIR, BY THE THIRD DAY I'D GOT SO MUCH CONFIDENCE IN THE VENTURE THAT I PUT IN 50 OF MY OW NMONEY."
125.
Mulla Nasrudin, shipwrecked, was finally washed ashore on a strange island. He was glad to be on land, but afraid he might be among wild and unfriendly natives, so he explored cautiously, and at last saw smoke from a fire rising from the jungle. As he made his way slowly through the woods, scared half to death, he heard a voice say, "Pass that bottle and deal those cards."
"THANK GOD!" cried Nasrudin. "I AM AMONG CIVILISED PEOPLE!"
126.
"What was the argument between you and your father-in-law, Nasrudin?" asked a friend.
"I didn't mind, when he wore my hat, coat, shoes and suit, BUT WHEN HE SAT DOWN AT THE DINNER TABLE AND LAUGHED AT ME WITH MY OWN TEETH - THAT WAS TOO MUCH," said Mulla Nasrudin.
127.
Mulla Nasrudin's wife was forever trying to curb his habit of swearing. One day, while shaving, the Mulla nicked his chin, and promptly launched into his most colourful array of cuss words. His wife thereupon repeated it all after him, hoping that her action in doing so would shame him into reforming at last.
But instead, the Mulla waited for her to finish them with a familiar twinkle in his eyes said: "YOU HAVE THE WORDS ALL RIGHT, MY DEAR, BUT YOU DON'T KNOW THE TUNE."
128.
A young bachelor, frequenting the pub quite often, was in the habit of singing laurels of his bachelorhood to all within hearing distance.
He was quite cured of his self-centered, eccentric ideals, when once, Mulla Nasrudin got up calmly from the table, gave the hero a paternal thump on the back and remarked, "I SUPPOSE, YOUNG CHAP, YOUR FATHER MUST HAVE BEEN A BACHELOR TOO."
129.
At a breakfast one morning, Mulla Nasrudin was telling his wife about the meeting of his civic club the night before. "The president of the club," he said, "offered a silk hat to the member who would truthfully say that during his married life he had never kissed any woman but his wife. And not a man stood up."
"Why," his wife asked, "didn't you stand up?"
"WELL," said Nasrudin, "I WAS GOING TO, BUT YOU KNOW HOW SILLY I LOOK IN A SILK HAT."
130.
The minister was congratulating Mulla Nasrudin on his 40th wedding anniversary. "It requires a lot of patience, tolerance, and understanding to live with the same woman for 40 years," he said.
"THANK YOU," said Nasrudin, "BUT SHE'S NOT THE SAME WOMAN SHE WAS WHEN WE WERE FIRST MARRIED."
131.
Mulla Nasrudin was talking to his little girl about being brave.
"But aren't you afraid of cows and horses?" she asked.
"Of course not." said the Mulla
"And aren't you afraid of bees and thunder and lightening?" asked the child.
"Certainly not." said the Mulla again.
"GEE, DADDY," she said "GUESS YOU AIN'T AFRAID OF NOTHING IN THE WORLD BUT MAMA."
132.
The audience was questioning Mulla Nasrudin who had just spoken on big game hunting in Africa.
"Is it true," asked one, "that wild beasts in the jungle won't harm you if you carry a torch?"
"THAT ALL DEPENDS," said Nasrudin "ON HOW FAST YOU CARRY IT."
133.
A father was bragging about his daughter who had studied painting in Paris.
"This is the sunset my daughter painted," he said to Mulla Nasrudin. "She studied painting abroad, you know."
"THAT ACCOUNTS FOR IT," said Nasrudin. "I NEVER SAW A SUNSET LIKE THAT IN THIS COUNTRY."
134.
Mulla Nasrudin and one of his friends rented a boat and went fishing. In a remote part of the lake they found a spot where the fish were really biting.
"We'd better mark this spot so we can come back tomorrow," said the Mulla.
"O.K., I'll do it," replied his friend.
When they got back to the dock, the Mulla asked, "Did you mark that spot?"
"Sure," said the second, "I put a chalk mark on the side of the boat."
"YOU NITWIT," said Nasrudin. "HOW DO YOU KNOW WE WILL GET THE SAME BOAT TOMORROW?"
135.
One evening when a banquet was all set to begin, the chairman realized that no minister was present to return thanks. He turned to Mulla Nasrudin, the main speaker and said, "Sir, since there is no minister here, will you ask the blessing, please?"
Mulla Nasrudin stood up, bowed his head, and with deep feeling said, "THERE BEING NO MINISTER PRESENT, LET US THANK GOD."
136.
"Have I not shaved you before, Sir?" the barber asked Mulla Nasrudin.
"NO," said Nasrudin, "I GOT THAT SCAR DURING THE WAR."
137.
A barber was surprised to get a tip from Mulla Nasrudin, a customer, before he even climbed into the chair.
"You are the first customer, Mulla, ever to give me a tip before I cut the hair."
"THAT'S NOT A TIP," said Nasrudin. "THAT'S HUSH MONEY.
138.
"Thankful! What do I have to be thankful for? I can't pay my bills," said one fellow to Mulla Nasrudin.
"WELL, THEN," said Nasrudin, "BE THANKFUL YOU AREN'T ONE OF YOUR CREDITORS."
139.
The pilot at the air show was taking passengers up for a spin around town for five dollars a ride.
As he circled the city with Mulla Nasrudin, the only customer aboard, he shut down his engine and began to glide toward the airport.
"I will bet those people down there think my engine couped out," he laughed. "I will bet half of them are scared to death."
"THAT'S NOTHING." said Mulla Nasrudin, "HALF OF US UP HERE ARE TOO."
140.
Mulla Nasrudin who was reeling drunk was getting into his automobile when a policeman came up and asked "You're not going to drive that car, are you?"
"CERTAINLY I AM GOING TO DRIVE," said Nasrudin. "ANYBODY CAN SEE I AM IN NO CONDITION TO WALK."
141.
Mulla Nasrudin and his wife on a safari cornered a lion. But the lion fooled them; instead of standing his ground and fighting, the lion took to his heels and escaped into the underbush.
Mulla Nasrudin terrified very much, was finally asked to stammer out to his wife, "YOU GO AHEAD AND SEE WHERE THE LION HAS GONE, AND I WILL TRACE BACK AND SEE WHERE HE CAME FROM."
142.
Mulla Nasrudin and a friend were chatting at a bar.
"Do you have the same trouble with your wife that I have with mine?" asked the Mulla.
"What trouble?"
"Why, money trouble. She keeps nagging me for money, money, money, and then more money," said the Mulla.
"What does she want with all the money you give her? What does she do with it?"
"I DON'T KNOW," said Nasrudin. "I NEVER GIVE HER ANY."
143.
Mulla Nasrudin's weekend guest was being driven to the station by the family chauffeur.
"I hope you won't let me miss my train," he said.
"NO, SIR," said the chauffeur. "THE MULLA SAID IF I DID, I'D LOSE MY JOB."
144.
Mulla Nasrudin: "My wife has a chronic habit of sitting up every night until two and three o'clock in the morning and I can't break her of it."
Sympathetic friend: "Why does she sit up that late?"
Nasrudin: "WAITING FOR ME TO COME HOME."
145.
"Mulla, did your father leave much money when he died?"
"NO," said Mulla Nasrudin, "NOT A CENT. IT WAS THIS WAY. HE LOST HIS HEALTH GETTING WEALTHY, THEN HE LOST HIS WEALTH TRYING TO GET HEALTHY."
146.
Mulla Nasrudin, a mental patient, was chatting with the new superintendent at the state hospital.
"We like you a lot better than we did the last doctor," he said.
The new superintendent was obviously pleased. "And would you mind telling me why?" he asked.
"OH, SOMEHOW YOU JUST SEEM SO MUCH MORE LIKE ONE OF US," said Nasrudin.
147.
Mulla Nasrudin: "How much did you pay for that weird-looking hat?"
Wife: "It was on sale, and I got it for a song."
Nasrudin "WELL, IF I HADN'T HEARD YOU SING. I'D SWEAR YOU HAD BEEN CHEATED."
148.
Mulla Nasrudin was a hypochondriac. He has been pestering the doctors of his town to death for years.
Then one day, a young doctor, just out of the medical school moved to town. Mulla Nasrudin was one of his first patients.
"I have heart trouble," the Mulla told him. And then he proceeded to describe in detail a hundred and one symptoms of all sorts of varied ailments. When he was through he said, "It is heart trouble, isn't it?"
"Not necessarily," the young doctor said. "You have described so many symptoms that you might well have something else wrong with you."
"HUH," snorted Mulla Nasrudin "YOU HAVE YOUR NERVE. A YOUNG DOCTOR, JUST OUT OF SCHOOL, DISAGREEING WITH AN EXPERIENCED INVALID LIKE ME."
149.
Mulla Nasrudin called his wife from the office and said he would like to bring a friend home for dinner that night.
"What?" screamed his wife. "You know better than that. You know the cook quit yesterday, the baby's got the measles, the hot water heater is broken, the painters are redecorating the living room and I don't even have any way to get to the supermarket to get our groceries."
"I know all that," said Nasrudin. "THAT'S WHY I WANT TO BRING HIM HOME FOR DINNER. HE IS A NICE YOUNG MAN AND I LIKE HIM. BUT HE'S THINKING OF GETTING MARRIED."
150.
Mulla Nasrudin and his wife were guests at an English country home - an atmosphere new and uncomfortable to them. In addition, they were exceptionally awkward when it came to hunting; so clumsy in fact that the Mulla narrowly missed shooting the wife of their host. When the Englishman sputtered his rage at such dangerous ineptness, Mulla Nasrudin handed his gun to the Englishman and said, "WELL, HERE, TAKE MY GUN; IT'S ONLY FAIR THAT YOU HAVE A SHOT AT MY WIFE."
151.
Mulla Nasrudin and his friend, out hunting, were stopped by a game warden. The Mulla took off, and the game warden went after him and caught him, and then the Mulla showed the warden his hunting licence.
"Why did you run when you had a licence?" asked the warden.
"BECAUSE," said Nasrudin, "THE OTHER FELLOW DIDN'T HAVE ONE."
152.
The great specialist had just completed his medical examination of Mulla Nasrudin and told him the fee was 25.
"The fee is too high I ain't got that much." said the Mulla.
"Well make it 15, then."
"It's still too much. I haven't got it," said the Mulla.
"All right," said the doctor, "give me 5 and beatit."
"Who has 5? Not me, "said the Mulla.
"Well give me whatever you have, and get out," said the doctor.
"Doctor, I have nothing," said the Mulla.
By this time the doctor was in a rage and said, "If you have no money you have some nerve to call on a specialist of my standing and my fees."
Mulla Nasrudin, too, now got mad and shouted back at the doctor: "LET ME TELL YOU, DOCTOR, WHEN MY HEALTH IS CONCERNED NOTHING IS TOO EXPENSIVE FOR ME."
153.
Mulla Nasrudin was talking in the teahouse on the lack of GOOD SAMARITAN SPIRIT in the world today. To illustrate he recited an episode: "During the lunch hour I walked with a friend toward a nearby restaurant when we saw laying on the street a helpless fellow human who had collapsed."
After a solemn pause the Mulla added, "Not only had nobody bothered to stop and help this poor fellow, BUT ON OUR WAY BACK AFTER LUNCH WE SAW HIM STILL LYING IN THE SAME SPOT."
154.
Mulla Nasrudin sitting in the street car addressed the woman standing before him: "You must excuse my not giving you my seat - I am a member of The Sit Still Club."
"Certainly, Sir," the woman replied. "And please excuse my staring - I belong to The Stand and Stare Club."
She proved it so well that Mulla Nasrudin at last got to his feet.
"I GUESS, MA'AM," he mumbled, "I WILL RESIGN FROM MY CLUB AND JOIN YOURS."
155.
"I am terribly worried," said Mulla Nasrudin to the psychiatrist. "My wife thinks she's a horse."
"We should be able to cure her," said the psychiatrist "But it will take a long time and quite a lot of money."
"OH, MONEY IS NO PROBLEM," said Nasrudin. "SHE HAS WON SO MANY HORSE RACES."
156.
The caravan was marching through the desert. It was hot and dry with not a drop of water anywhere.
Mulla Nasrudin fell to the ground and moaned.
"What's the matter with him?" asked the leader of the caravan.
"He is just homesick," said Nasrudin's companion.
"Homesick? We are all homesick," said the leader.
"YES," said Mulla Nasrudin's companion "BUT HE IS WORSE. HE OWNS A TAVERN."
157.
Mulla Nasrudin's son was studying homework and said to his father, "Dad, what is a monologue?"
"A MONOLOGUE," said Nasrudin, "IS A CONVERSATION BEING CARRIED ON BY YOUR MOTHER WITH ME."
158.
Mulla Nasrudin stormed out of his office and yelled, "SOMETHING HAS GOT TO BE DONE ABOUT THOSE SIX PHONES ON MY DESK. FOR THE PAST FIVE MINUTES I HAVE BEEN TALKING TO MYSELF."
159.
Mulla Nasrudin was complaining to a friend.
"My wife is a nagger," he said.
"What is she fussing about this time?" his friend asked.
"Now," said the Mulla, "she has begun to nag me about what I eat. This morning she asked me if I knew how many pancakes I had eaten. I told her I don't count pancakes and she had the nerve to tell me I had eaten 19 already."
"And what did you say?" asked his friend.
"I didn't say anything," said Nasrudin. "I WAS SO MAD, I JUST GOT UP FROM THE TABLE AND WENT TO WORK WITHOUT MY BREAKFAST."
160.
Mulla Nasrudin had been arrested for being drunk and was being questioned at the police station.
"So you say, you are a poet," demanded the desk sargeant.
"Yes, Sir," said the Mulla.
"That's not so, Sargeant," said the arresting officer.
"I SEARCHED HIM AND FOUND 500 IN HIS POCKET."
161.
Mulla Nasrudin was bragging about his rich friends. "I have one friend who saves five hundred dollars a day," he said.
"What does he do it, Mulla?" asked a listener. "How does he save five hundred dollars a day?"
"Every morning when he goes to work, he goes in the subway," said Nasrudin. "You know in the subway, there is a five-hundred dollar fine if you spit, SO, HE DOESN'T SPIT!"
162.
Mulla Nasrudin looked at the drug clerk doubtfully. "I take it for granted," he said, "that you are a qualified druggist."
"Oh, yes, Sir" he said.
"Have you passed all the required examinations?" asked the Mulla.
"Yes," he said again.
"You have never poisoned anybody by mistake, have you?" the Mulla asked.
"Why, no!" he said.
"IN THAT CASE," said Nasrudin, "PLEASE GIVE ME TEN CENTS' WORTH OF EPSOM SALTS."
163.
Mulla Nasrudin went to get a physical examination.
He was so full of alcohol that the doctor said to him, "You will have to come back the day after tomorrow. Any examination we might make today would not mean anything - that's what whisky does, you know."
"YES, I KNOW," said Nasrudin. "I SOMETIMES HAVE THAT TROUBLE MYSELF. I WILL DO AS YOU SAY AND COME BACK THE DAY AFTER TOMORROW - WHEN YOU ARE SOBER, SIR."
164.
Mulla Nasrudin had been to see the doctor. When he came home, his wife asked him: "Well, did the doctor find out what you had?"
"ALMOST," said Nasrudin. "I HAD 40 AND HE CHARGED ME 49."
165.
Mulla Nasrudin, elected to the Congress, was being interviewed by the press. One reporter asked:
"Do you feel that you have influenced public opinion, Sir?"
"NO," answered Nasrudin. "PUBLIC OPINION IS SOMETHING LIKE A MULE I ONCE OWNED. IN ORDER TO KEEP UP THE APPEARANCE OF BEING THE DRIVER, I HAD TO WATCH THE WAY IT WAS GOING AND THEN FOLLOWED AS CLOSELY AS I COULD."
166.
An insurance salesman had been talking for hours trying to sell Mulla Nasrudin on the idea of insuring his barn. At last he seemed to have the prospect interested because he had begun to ask questions.
"Do you mean to tell me," asked the Mulla, "that if I give you a check for 75 and if my barn burns down, you will pay me 50,000?'
"That's exactly right," said the salesman. "Now, you are beginning to get the idea."
"Does it matter how the fire starts?" asked the Mulla.
"Oh, yes," said the salesman. "After each fire we made a careful investigation to make sure the fire was started accidentally. Otherwise, we don't pay the claim."
"HUH," grunted Nasrudin, "I KNEW IT WAS TOO GOOD TO BE TRUE."
167.
The black sheep of the family had applied to his brother, Mulla Nasrudin, for a loan, which he agreed to grant him at an interest rate of 9 percent.
The never-do-well complained about the interest rate "What will our poor father say when he looks down from his eternal home and sees one of his sons charging another son 9 percent on a loan?"
"FROM WHERE HE IS," said Nasrudin, "IT WILL LOOK LIKE 6 PER CENT."
168.
"Mulla, how about lending me 50?"asked a friend.
"Sorry," said Mulla Nasrudin, "I can only let you have 25."
"But why not the entire 50, MULLA?"
"NO," said Nasrudin, "THAT WAY IT'S EVEN - EACH ONE OF US LOSES 25."
169.
Mulla Nasrudin and one of his merchant friends on their way to New York were travelling in a carriage and chatting. Suddenly a band of armed bandits appeared and ordered them to halt.
"Your money or your life," boomed the leader of the bandits.
"Just a moment please," said Mulla Nasrudin. "I owe my friend here 500, and I would like to pay him first.
"YOSEL," said Nasrudin, "HERE IS YOUR DEBT. REMEMBER, WE ARE SQUARE NOW."
170.
In asking Mulla Nasrudin for a loan of 10, a woman said to him,"If I don't get the loan I will be ruined."
"Madam," replied Nasrudin, "IF A WOMAN CAN BE RUINED FOR 10, THEN SHE ISN'T WORTH SAVING."
171.
Mulla Nasrudin met a man on a London street. They had known each other slightly in America.
"How are things with you?" asked the Mulla.
"Pretty fair," said the other. "I have been doing quite well in this country."
"How about lending me 100, then?"said Nasrudin.
"Why I hardly know you, and you are asking me to lend you 100!"
"I can't understand it," said Nasrudin. "IN THE OLD COUNTRY PEOPLE WOULD NOT LEND ME MONEY BECAUSE THEY KNEW ME, AND HERE I CAN'T GET A LOAN BECAUSE THEY DON'T KNOW ME."
171.
"I have found the road to success no easy matter," said Mulla Nasrudin. "I started at the bottom. I worked twelve hours a day. I sweated. I fought. I took abuse. I did things I did not approve of. But I kept right on climbing the ladder."
"And now, of course, you are a success, Mulla?" prompted the interviewer.
"No, I would not say that," replied Nasrudin with a laugh. "JUST QUOTE ME AS SAYING THAT I HAVE BECOME AN EXPERT AT CLIMBING LADDERS."
172.
Mulla Nasrudin, asked if he believed in luck, replied "CERTAINLY: HOW ELSE DO YOU EXPLAIN THE SUCCESS OF THOSE YOU DON'T LIKE?"
173.
Mulla Nasrudin was the witness in a railroad accident case.
"You saw this accident while riding the freight train?"
"Where were you when the accident happened?"
"Oh, about forty cars from the crossing."
"Forty car lengths at 2 am.! Your eyesight is remarkable! How far can you see at night, anyway?"
"I CAN'T EXACTLY SAY," said Nasrudin. "JUST HOW FAR AWAY IS THE MOON?"
174.
Mulla Nasrudin's wife, seeking a divorce, charged that her husband "thinks only of horse racing. He talks horse racing: he sleeps horse racing and the racetrack is the only place he goes. It is horses, horses, horses all day long and most of the night. He does not even know the date of our wedding.
"That's not true, Your Honour," cried Nasrudin. "WE WERE MARRIED THE DAY DARK STAR WON THE KENTUCKY DERBY."
175.
There was a play in which an important courtroom scene included Mulla Nasrudin as a hurriedly recruited judge. All that he had to do was sit quietly until asked for his verdict and give it as instructed by the play's director.
But Mulla Nasrudin was by no means apathetic, he became utterly absorbed in the drama being played before him. So absorbed, in fact, that instead of following instructions and saying "Guilty," the Mulla arose and firmly said, "NOT GUILTY."
176.
Two graduates of the Harvard School of Business decided to start their own business and put into practice what they had learned in their studies. But they soon went into bankruptcy and Mulla Nasrudin took over their business. The two educated men felt sorry for the Mulla and taught him what they knew about economic theory.
Some time later the two former proprietors called on their successor when they heard he was doing a booming business. "What's the secret of your success?" they asked Mulla Nasrudin.
"T'ain't really no secret," said Nasrudin. "As you know, schooling and theory is not in my line. I just buy an article for 1and sell it for 2. ONE PER CENT PROFIT IS ENOUGH FOR ME."
177.
Mulla Nasrudin's testimony in a shooting affair was unsatisfactory. When asked, "Did you see the shot fired?" the Mulla replied, "No, Sir, I only heard it."
"Stand down," said the judge sharply. "Your testimony is of no value."
Nasrudin turned around in the box to leave and when his back was turned to the judge he laughed loud and derisively. Irate at this exhibition of contempt, the judge called the Mulla back to the chair and demanded to know how he dared to laugh in the court.
"Did you see me laugh, Judge?" asked Nasrudin.
"No, but I heard you," retorted the judge.
"THAT EVIDENCE IS NOT SATISFACTORY, YOUR HONOUR." said Nasrudin respectfully.
178.
Mulla Nasrudin and a friend went to the racetrack.
The Mulla decided to place a hunch bet on Chopped Meat.
On his way to the betting window he encountered a tout who talked him into betting on Tug of War since, said the tout, "Chopped Meat does not have a chance."
The next race the friend decided to play a hunch and bet on a horse named Overcoat. On his way to the window he met the same tout, who convinced him Overcoat did not have a chance and talked him into betting on Flying Feet. So Overcoat won, and Flyiny Feet came in last. On their way to the parking lot for the return trip, winnerless, the two friends decided to buy some peanuts. The Mulla said he'd get them. He came back with popcorn.
"What's the idea?" said his friend "I thought we agreed to buy peanuts."
"YES, I KNOW," said Mulla Nasrudin. "BUT I MET THAT MAN AGAIN."
179.
Mulla Nasrudin was telling a friend that he was starting a business in partnership with another fellow.
"How much capital are you putting in it, Mulla?" the friend asked.
"None. The other man is putting up the capital, and I am putting in the experience," said the Mulla.
"So, it's a fifty-fifty agreement."
"Yes, that's the way we are starting out," said Nasrudin, "BUT I FIGURE IN ABOUT FIVE YEARS I WILL HAVE THE CAPITAL AND HE WILL HAVE THE EXPERIENCE."
180.
A blind man went with Mulla Nasrudin to the race-track to bet on a horse named Bolivar. The Mulla stood next to him and related Bolivar's progress in the race.
"How is Bolivar at the quarter?"
"Coming good."
"And how is Bolivar at the half?"
"Running strong!"
After a few seconds, "How is Bolivar at the three-quarter?"
"Holding his own."
"How is Bolivar in the stretch?"
"In there running like hell!" said Nasrudin. "HE IS HEADING FOR THE LINE, DRIVING ALL THE OTHER HORSES IN FRONT OF HIM."
181.
"Why do you call your mule "POLITICIAN," Mulla?" a neighbor asked.
"BECAUSE," said Mulla Nasrudin, "THIS MULE GETS MORE BLAME AND ABUSE THAN ANYTHING ELSE AROUND HERE, BUT HE STILL GOES AHEAD AND DOES JUST WHAT HE DAMN PLEASES."
182.
"You look mighty dressed up, Mulla," a friend said to Mulla Nasrudin. "What's going on, something special?"
"Yes," said the Mulla, "I am celebrating tonight with my wife. I am taking her to dinner in honor of seven years of perfect married happiness."
"Seven years of married happiness," the friend said. "Why man, I think that's wonderful."
"I THINK IT'S PRETTY GOOD MYSELF," said Nasrudin. "SEVEN OUT OF SEVENTY."
183.
A newspaper reporter was interviewing Mulla Nasrudin on the occasion of his 105th birthday.
"Tell me," he said, "do you believe the younger generation is on the road to perdition?"
"YES, SIR," said old Nasrudin. "AND I HAVE BELIEVED IT FOR MORE THAN NINETY YEARS."
184.
"Why didn't you answer the letter I sent you?" demanded Mulla Nasrudin's wife.
"Why, I didn't get any letter from you," said Nasrudin. "AND BESIDES, I DIDN'T LIKE THE THINGS YOU SAID IN IT!"
185.
After giving his speech, the guest of the evening was standing at the door with Mulla Nasrudin, the president of the group, shaking hands with the folks as they left the hall.
Compliments were coming right and left, until one fellow shook hands and said, "I thought it stunk."
"What did you say?" asked the surprised speaker.
"I said it stunk. That's the worst speech anybody ever gave around here. Whoever invited you to speak tonight ought to be put out of the club." With that he turned and walked away.
"DON'T PAY ANY ATTENTION TO THAT MAN," said Mulla Nasrudin to the speaker. "HE'S A NITWlT. WHY, THAT MAN NEVER HAD AN ORIGINAL, THOUGHT IN HIS LIFE. ALL HE DOES IS LISTEN TO WHAT OTHER PEOPLE SAY, THEN HE GOES AROUND REPEATING IT."
186.
"Well, Mulla," said the priest, "I am glad to see you out again after your long illness. You have had a bad time of it?"
"Indeed, Sir," said Mulla Nasrudin.
"And, when you were so near Death's door, did you feel afraid to meet God?" asked the priest.
"NO, SIR," said Nasrudin. "IT WAS THE OTHER GENTLEMAN."
187.
In a street a small truck loaded with glassware collided with a large truck laden with bricks, and practically all of the glassware was smashed.
Considerable sympathy was felt for the driver as he gazed ruefully at the shattered fragments. A benevolent looking old gentleman eyed him compassionately.
"My poor man," he said, "I suppose you will have to make good this loss out of your own pocket?"
"Yep," was the melancholy reply.
"Well, well," said the philanthropic old gentleman, "hold out your hat - here's fifty cents for you; and I dare say some of these other people will give you a helping hand too."
The driver held out his hat and over a hundred persons hastened to drop coins in it. At last, when the contributions had ceased, he emptied the contents of his hat into his pocket. Then, pointing to the retreating figure of the philanthropist who had started the collection, he observed "SAY, MAYBE HE AIN'T THE WISE GUY! THAT'S ME BOSS, MULLA NASRUDIN!"
188.
Mulla Nasrudin, whose barn burned down, was told by the insurance company that his policy provided that the company build a new barn, rather than paying him the cash value of it. The Mulla was incensed by this.
"If that's the way you fellows operate," he said, "THEN CANCEL THE INSURANCE I HAVE ON MY WIFE'S LIFE."
189.
Mulla Nasrudin had spent eighteen months on deserted island, the lone survivor when his yacht sank.
He had managed so well, he thought less and less of his business and his many investments. But he was nonetheless delighted to see a ship anchor off shore and launch a small boat that headed toward the island.
When the boat crew reached the shore the officer in charge came forward with a bundle of current newspapers and magazines. "The captain," explained the officer, "thought you would want to look over these papers to see what has been happening in the world, before you decide that you want to be rescued."
"It's very thoughtful of him," replied Nasrudin. "BUT I THINK I NEED AN ACCOUNTANT MOST OF ALL. I HAVEN'T FILED AN INCOME TAX RETURN FOR TWO YEARS, AND WHAT WITH THE PENALTIES AND ALL, I AM NOT SURE I CAN NOW AFFORD TO RETURN."
190.
The weekly poker group was in the midst of an exceptionally exciting hand when one of the group fell dead of a heart attack. He was laid on a couch in the room, and one of the three remaining members asked, "What shall we do now?"
"I SUGGEST," said Mulla Nasrudin, the newest member of the group, "THAT OUT OF RESPECT FOR OUR DEAR DEPARTED FRIEND, WE FINISH THIS HAND STANDING UP."
191.
"With all of the evidence to the contrary," the district attorney said to the defendant, "do you still maintain Nasrudin, that your wife died of a broken heart?"
"I CERTAINLY DO," said Mulla Nasrudin. "IF SHE HAD NOT BROKEN MY HEART, I WOULDN'T HAVE SHOT HER."
192.
Mulla Nasrudin and his partner closed the business early one Friday afternoon and went off together for a long weekend in the country. Seated playing canasta under the shade of trees, the partner looked up with a start and said. "Good Lord, Mulla, we forgot to lock the safe."
"SO WHAT," replied Nasrudin. "THERE'S NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT. WE ARE BOTH HERE."
193.
Mulla Nasrudin was tired, weary, bored. He called for his limousine, got in and said to the chauffeur:
"JAMES, DRIVE FULL SPEED OVER THE CLIFF. I HAVE DECIDED TO COMMIT SUICIDE."
194.
Mulla Nasrudin was stopped one day by a collector of charity and urged to "give till it hurts." Nasrudin shook his head and said, "WHY THE VERY IDEA HURTS."
195.
The young doctor stood gravely at the bedside, looking down at the sick Mulla Nasrudin, and said to him: "I am sorry to tell you, but you have scarlet fever. This is an extremely contagious disease."
Mulla Nasrudin turned to his wife and said, "My dear, if any of my creditors call, tell them I AM AT LAST IN A POSITION TO GIVE THEM SOMETHING."
196.
Mulla Nasrudin was scheduled to die in a gas chamber. On the morning of the day of his execution he was asked by the warden if there was anything special he would like for breakfast.
"YES," said Nasrudin, "MUSHROOMS. I HAVE ALWAYS BEEN AFRAID TO EAT THEM FOR FEAR OF BEING POISONED."
197.
The new politician was chatting with old Mulla Nasrudin, who asked him how he was doing.
"Not so good," said the new man. "Every place I go, I get insulted."
"THAT'S FUNNY," said the Mulla. "I HAVE BEEN IN POLITICS FOR MORE THAN SIXTY YEARS MYSELF AND I HAVE HAD MY PROPAGANDA LITERATURE PITCHED OUT THE DOOR, BEEN THROWN OUT MYSELF, KICKED DOWN STAIRS; AND WAS EVEN PUNCHED IN THE NOSE ONCE BUT, I WAS NEVER INSULTED."
198.
The old man was ninety years old and his son, Mulla Nasrudin, who himself was now seventy years old, was trying to get him placed in a nursing home. The place was crowded and Nasrudin was having difficulty.
"Please," he said to the doctor. "You must take him in. He is getting feeble minded. Why, all day long he sits in the bathtub, playing with a rubber Donald Duck!"
"Well," said the psychiatrist, "he may be a bit senile but he is not doing any harm, is he?"
"BUT," said Mulla Nasrudin in tears, "IT'S MY DONALD DUCK."
199.
It was the day of the hanging, and as Mulla Nasrudin was led to the foot of the steps of the scaffold he suddenly stopped and refused to walk another step.
"Let's go," the guard said impatiently. "What's the matter?"
"SOMEHOW," said Nasrudin, "THOSE STEPS LOOK MIGHTY RICKETY - THEY JUST DON'T LOOK SAFE ENOUGH TO WALK UP."
200.
In earlier days in America it was not unusual for politicians to take advantage of a public hanging to address the crowd of spectators. When Mulla Nasrudin, the condemned, was told a politician was going to speak on the grim occasion. "HAVE ME FIRST, PLEASE," screamed Mulla Nasrudin. But it was not possible. So Mulla Nasrudin thanked the speaker for making it easier to die".
Nothing fails like success
