I had a heart to heart with Source… and let’s play a game

deafI had a heart to heart today with Source.

The conversation started with me asking how many itch mites I have on me. The numbers just didn’t add up… so I asked: “You don’t know, do you?” And Source admitted that it didn’t know.

The conversation continued about what Source knows and how.

Source does not have eyes to see. Source does not feel. Source only senses. And that is why itch mites can elude its observation: itch mites look and feel dead, inert, not alive, when you observe them. They have legs, they must have legs, because they move when you don’t watch them. So, unless an itch mite moves, Source doesn’t know it’s there. And obviously all I can do is guess… A conversation with Source plays out almost completely inside what I can think of… i.e. in the 2-3-4-5% of what is knowable.
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I have been having suicidal thoughts… What does the echo say?

being guided by the echoSometimes having someone to talk to, someone who can listen, instead of trying to solve your problems, is the best thing that can happen to you.

But there are things that are hard to share.

And then, if you are the one who is supposed to be there for others, no one expects you to have problems, or to be there for you. You are alone, and that is that.

All my life I have been the strong one, and no one ever expected me to need them to listen to me. So when I needed someone to listen, I had to pay them. It’s expensive. And now I don’t even trust anyone to just listen… so it’s tough.
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Christmas, alone, my empath mother, being the true empath, and getting to no thing

Christmas of EaglesAs far as I can see back, Christmas was a painful reminder that I am alone.

I always wanted to go home… home was a place where I longed to be, but I had no idea what that would be like. Surely where I lived wasn’t home. Surely the people I was with left me feeling alone.

Later, relationship made my life busy, but I still felt alone. Not envying others, not something wrong, just alone. Like you are on the top of a mountain, and no one to share the experience with.
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