It seems that being right, looking good, avoid domination of anyone or anything, including your own word, hoping, expecting the impossible… etc, etc, has been really important to you.
Where you are is where you are supposed to be, given all your actions.
Do all actions count? Talking, thinking, watching videos?
Only to a certain degree.
One of the people who have inspired me for many years is Werner Erhard, the founder of the est training.